Things have been a little bizarre in my head as of late. I'd like to blame it on the meds I take, but even when I dont take some of them it happens. So here's a recap.
On the Summer Solstice, June 21st, was visited by hummingbirds.
On my birthday, June 30th, a little blue and white swallow swooped past the car as we were driving to the In-Laws place. Also saw a little sandy coloured bunny and a crow in the same yard that day as well.
As far as dreams go, I'm going to post it as I wrote in down in my dream journal this morning. This was a also a bizarre "in dream" wildlife sighting, little white spotted deer, they looked like a cross between Chital(Indian) Deer, and Sika Deer.
July 2nd, 2011
this will just be fragments, and not in any sort of order
I remember being in BC Place(our football/soccer stadium) with My brother, I don't know exactly what we were watching on the field, but the crowd reminded Me of the Romans at the Collesium, there was a general feeling of...blood lust
the crows was standing and roaring around us
then all of a sudden I was outside the stadium, My brother gone, and with this man and woman. He had brown hair with a big beard and was dressed all in black with a wide brimmed black hat on his head, carrying a black leather bag
she was blond and pale, wearing pale clothing
there seemed to be a riot of sorts going on outside
there was some sort of party or wedding or something and My Mum and My Aunt were there
everybody was drinking, and trying to get me to drink
I remember refusing
and then there was a black out of memory, lost time
I woke up in a nice hotel room(one Ive dreamed about before)
and I got up and found My new friends(the guy and the lady), was desperately asking them to tell ME if I had drank anything
I think I asked My Mum and Aunt too
My Mum and Aunt remained silent
I remember feeling intense anxiety
(I just remembered this)
when we got outside the stadium we all climbed up onto this roof of sorts and continued watching whatever was going on down there, My brother was there and My new friends, and some other people
A cop on a grey horse walked by, My brother mentioning something about how what we were doing was illegal and that we would get a fine, so I hopped down just as a cop on a dark brown/chestnut coloured horse was walking by.
He gave Me a $786(possibly796) fine and left
I carried the ticket with Me to the bathroom(I never saw the inside of the bathroom) but when I came out the ticket was paid for, and apparently My new friends had paid for it
when I was begging them to tell Me if I drank they told Me to look at the pictures on My camera
He had this mischievous smile on His face
there was one or two pictures that looked almost identical to pictures from My brothers wedding, if Me, My Mum and Aunt, and some other people
I “woke up” from this dream, and then realized that Myself waking up was just another dream. The next time I woke up I actually woke up
*NOTE: deer looked like a cross between the Manchurian(Chital) deer and the Sika deer
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Recovery - Step 1
Step 1
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
It's been a year since I took my last drink and it seems fitting that on this day that I reflect on the steps I have done. Like coming full circle.
June 30th, 2010 was not the first time I had admitted this to myself. Well to be specific I had admitted I had a problem, but not that my life was unmanageable. "I can control it, I'll only have one and that's it, I have a problem but I will be okay.". This time though I knew not only that I was powerless over alcohol but that YES my life had become unmanageable. I was working at a catering company in Downtown Vancouver. A friend of mine lived only two blocks away, she was one of my drinking buddies. I was not in a good place mentally. I hadn't been for some time. I had miscarried in November 2009 and rather than actually feeling my grief, embracing it and then letting it go, I tried to drown it in booze. I had been thinking obsessively about drinking for almost a week. A little voice in the back of my mind, whispering, pleading, demanding. I had told my dear husband that I would be visiting for about an hour and then I would be home. The thing was I KNEW if I went to her house I could get beer, and if that ran out we would always get more, the liquor store was just a few blocks down the road. Two hours and 3 or 4 drinks in, my husband called me to ask if I was alright and when I was coming home. I said I would be leaving in 15 minutes. Which of course did not happen, such was the nature of my binges. The rest of the evening is lost in a haze. Around midnight I realized I had to leave otherwise I wouldn't get home. I had arrived at her place around 5pm. At this point I had turned OFF the volume on my cell to stop the incessant calls from my husband. I did not call him when I got to the bus stop, or the train stop. I got off at the usual station and started walking home. I was so drunk that I was weaving, vision beginning to haze over. I was dangerously close to passing out, not to mention I was walking in a sparsely populated area, right near the woods.
Not the smartest thing I've ever done. It turned out that my hubby had called said friend and asked where I was. She said I had gone home about 45 minutes ago. So in a panic he hopped in the car, heading to Vancouver to find me. As it happened, as I came around the first corner there he was in his care, getting ready to turn also. So I hopped in the car. We had a discussion I believe about how this was not okay, most definitely NOT okay. I can't remember most of it. Or any of it really. I DO remember waking up the next morning and feeling like death. As I opened my eyes and blinked, my hazy memories of the night before came back and I began to cry. Deep hard sobs, I cried for almost two hours, the intensity of it varying between snuffles and those wracking sobs. So I got up, brushed my teeth, grabbed a glass of water and sat in front of my computer, rabidly reading AA literature. I had done almost all those things that an alcoholic does when trying to remain ignorant to their problem. I'll only have 3, I'll only drink beer, I'll only drink with people I trust to tell me to stop. Which of course was just shifting the responsibility of my actions to someone else. When my husband came home from work I told him I was not going to drink anymore, and that I would be going to AA. This was not the first time he had come looking for me when I had disappeared on a binge, but I vowed to myself and to him that it would be the last time. He said he didn't think I was an alcoholic, but he would support me. Bless his heart. Over this past year he has been able to admit that yes, I have a problem. he did not drink for the last year either, saying it was an act of solidarity and support for me. Which I greatly appreciated.
Being a practising Pagan I did, and still do, had issues with the heavy monotheism present. But I choose to look to my Higher Power. My Gods, Ancestors, and Beloved Dead to guide me. The steps are still useful, regardless of what name they use for God. This has, unfortunately made it hard to go to meetings. I've only actually gone to one meeting and that was a speakers meeting. I keep telling myself to go to a beginners meeting. But maybe after a year of sobriety I should just go to a regular meeting.
Regardless I am immensely proud of myself for making it this far, one day at a time.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
It's been a year since I took my last drink and it seems fitting that on this day that I reflect on the steps I have done. Like coming full circle.
June 30th, 2010 was not the first time I had admitted this to myself. Well to be specific I had admitted I had a problem, but not that my life was unmanageable. "I can control it, I'll only have one and that's it, I have a problem but I will be okay.". This time though I knew not only that I was powerless over alcohol but that YES my life had become unmanageable. I was working at a catering company in Downtown Vancouver. A friend of mine lived only two blocks away, she was one of my drinking buddies. I was not in a good place mentally. I hadn't been for some time. I had miscarried in November 2009 and rather than actually feeling my grief, embracing it and then letting it go, I tried to drown it in booze. I had been thinking obsessively about drinking for almost a week. A little voice in the back of my mind, whispering, pleading, demanding. I had told my dear husband that I would be visiting for about an hour and then I would be home. The thing was I KNEW if I went to her house I could get beer, and if that ran out we would always get more, the liquor store was just a few blocks down the road. Two hours and 3 or 4 drinks in, my husband called me to ask if I was alright and when I was coming home. I said I would be leaving in 15 minutes. Which of course did not happen, such was the nature of my binges. The rest of the evening is lost in a haze. Around midnight I realized I had to leave otherwise I wouldn't get home. I had arrived at her place around 5pm. At this point I had turned OFF the volume on my cell to stop the incessant calls from my husband. I did not call him when I got to the bus stop, or the train stop. I got off at the usual station and started walking home. I was so drunk that I was weaving, vision beginning to haze over. I was dangerously close to passing out, not to mention I was walking in a sparsely populated area, right near the woods.
Not the smartest thing I've ever done. It turned out that my hubby had called said friend and asked where I was. She said I had gone home about 45 minutes ago. So in a panic he hopped in the car, heading to Vancouver to find me. As it happened, as I came around the first corner there he was in his care, getting ready to turn also. So I hopped in the car. We had a discussion I believe about how this was not okay, most definitely NOT okay. I can't remember most of it. Or any of it really. I DO remember waking up the next morning and feeling like death. As I opened my eyes and blinked, my hazy memories of the night before came back and I began to cry. Deep hard sobs, I cried for almost two hours, the intensity of it varying between snuffles and those wracking sobs. So I got up, brushed my teeth, grabbed a glass of water and sat in front of my computer, rabidly reading AA literature. I had done almost all those things that an alcoholic does when trying to remain ignorant to their problem. I'll only have 3, I'll only drink beer, I'll only drink with people I trust to tell me to stop. Which of course was just shifting the responsibility of my actions to someone else. When my husband came home from work I told him I was not going to drink anymore, and that I would be going to AA. This was not the first time he had come looking for me when I had disappeared on a binge, but I vowed to myself and to him that it would be the last time. He said he didn't think I was an alcoholic, but he would support me. Bless his heart. Over this past year he has been able to admit that yes, I have a problem. he did not drink for the last year either, saying it was an act of solidarity and support for me. Which I greatly appreciated.
Being a practising Pagan I did, and still do, had issues with the heavy monotheism present. But I choose to look to my Higher Power. My Gods, Ancestors, and Beloved Dead to guide me. The steps are still useful, regardless of what name they use for God. This has, unfortunately made it hard to go to meetings. I've only actually gone to one meeting and that was a speakers meeting. I keep telling myself to go to a beginners meeting. But maybe after a year of sobriety I should just go to a regular meeting.
Regardless I am immensely proud of myself for making it this far, one day at a time.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Head Coverings
I've drawn to the idea of head coverings for quite a few years now. Besides having a small amount of knowledge on The Amish and Quakers, I didn't really know a thing about it. One day while I was out perusing the Interwebs for information on how to live frugally, I found the website of a woman who besides being incredibly good at stretching her dollar, wore a head covering on a daily basis. Now, no offence meant to anyone of course, but if you read her page you would notice right away that she was very right wing and very devout in her faith. Nothing wrong with that really. But when one has been a practising Pagan for 13 years I found it a little disconcerting that I was so interested. It was one of those "AHA!" moments. Now I know that just because I am not a Christian or a Muslim for that matter, that I am forbidden to wear something like that for Spiritual reasons as well as practical. But I'm big on not stealing bits of another persons culture just because I think it's cool.
The majority of information out there pertains to Christian and Muslim faiths, and as stated above, I do not want to be a culture vulture. I have found information on the Irish and the Scots wearing head coverings, but it seems to have come about during the conversion of the Celts to Christianity, or LONG after they had already been converted. So I could say that yes, there is a cultural basis for my desire to wear a head covering. But as I said, I'm a Pagan, and I am very conflicted. I HAVE found a few blogs written by Pagan women who practice this, but I've yet to find any other information. So, I am on the hunt. Would love to hear comments, ideas, etc. on the subject. I'm open to all ideas at this point.
Pretty much since I was a 16 year old I have worn some sort of head covering regularly. In my more tomboyish days it was a baseball cap, then I switched over to bandana's. Most of the time I would have my hair in a bun and tuck all the end bits in. Sometimes I would put my hair in a ponytail and let the bandana be a veil of sorts. I do still wear a baseball cap from time to time, I have an awesome Seaforth Highlanders of Canada hat. And just the other day I bought this awesome green had since I seem to have misplaced my other one that I bought last year. Besides being army green(one of my favourite colours) it only cost me $2. What's even cooler is that I bought a scarf at the same time that was also $2 and matches the hat perfectly. Earlier this year my Mum gave me some money from the inheritance that she had gotten when my Grandfather had passed away on October 3, 2010. With some of that cash I bought myself a great shawl, brown and black with a paisley design swirling about it(have I mentioned I have a rabid love of paisley?). It was after I began wearing this one regularly that I realized how much I like it. I've also discovered "snoods", which I think may be my new favourite word, which are like veils/bandanas but they capture ALL your hair up. Which is awesome, because all Spiritual issues aside, my hair is damn unruly sometimes, and getting it all tucked up makes me happy.
Here is a perfect example of why I'm having issues:
The reasons I have for wanting to wear a head covering have NOTHING to do with my submission to anyone, the Gods or otherwise. The passage above deeply offends me, but to each their own I suppose. Then I found this quote, which cover a lot of the reasons as to why I want to do this.
Now this is a positive take on the whole head covering thing. I have also found forum posts and such berating women for wearing head coverings. That's my thoughts for today on this topic. I'm sure there will be more in the near future. And as I said above, and comments, ideas, etc. would be greatly appreciated!
The majority of information out there pertains to Christian and Muslim faiths, and as stated above, I do not want to be a culture vulture. I have found information on the Irish and the Scots wearing head coverings, but it seems to have come about during the conversion of the Celts to Christianity, or LONG after they had already been converted. So I could say that yes, there is a cultural basis for my desire to wear a head covering. But as I said, I'm a Pagan, and I am very conflicted. I HAVE found a few blogs written by Pagan women who practice this, but I've yet to find any other information. So, I am on the hunt. Would love to hear comments, ideas, etc. on the subject. I'm open to all ideas at this point.
Pretty much since I was a 16 year old I have worn some sort of head covering regularly. In my more tomboyish days it was a baseball cap, then I switched over to bandana's. Most of the time I would have my hair in a bun and tuck all the end bits in. Sometimes I would put my hair in a ponytail and let the bandana be a veil of sorts. I do still wear a baseball cap from time to time, I have an awesome Seaforth Highlanders of Canada hat. And just the other day I bought this awesome green had since I seem to have misplaced my other one that I bought last year. Besides being army green(one of my favourite colours) it only cost me $2. What's even cooler is that I bought a scarf at the same time that was also $2 and matches the hat perfectly. Earlier this year my Mum gave me some money from the inheritance that she had gotten when my Grandfather had passed away on October 3, 2010. With some of that cash I bought myself a great shawl, brown and black with a paisley design swirling about it(have I mentioned I have a rabid love of paisley?). It was after I began wearing this one regularly that I realized how much I like it. I've also discovered "snoods", which I think may be my new favourite word, which are like veils/bandanas but they capture ALL your hair up. Which is awesome, because all Spiritual issues aside, my hair is damn unruly sometimes, and getting it all tucked up makes me happy.
Here is a perfect example of why I'm having issues:
Question: "Should Christian women wear head coverings?"
Answer: 1 Corinthians 11:3-16 addresses the issue of women and head coverings. The context of the entire passage of 1 Corinthians 11:3-16 is submission to the God-given order and "chain of command." A "covering" on a woman's head is used as an illustration of the order, headship, and the authority of God. The key verse of this passage is 1 Corinthians 11:3 "But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." The implications of this verse are found in the rest of the passage. The order is: God the Father, God the Son, the man or husband, and the woman or wife. The veil or covering on the head of a believing Corinthian wife showed that she was under the authority of her husband, and therefore under submission to God.
Within this passage is also verse 10: "For this reason the woman ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels." Why is that important to angels? The relationship of God with men is something that angels watch and learn from (1 Peter 1:12). Therefore, a woman's submission to God's delegated authority over her is an example to angels. The holy angels, who are in perfect and total submission to God, expect that we, as followers of Christ, be the same.
Found HERE
The reasons I have for wanting to wear a head covering have NOTHING to do with my submission to anyone, the Gods or otherwise. The passage above deeply offends me, but to each their own I suppose. Then I found this quote, which cover a lot of the reasons as to why I want to do this.
Most often to pagan gatherings or rituals I just wear a long scarf tied around my head and let the ends drape. Speaking of gatherings, I was shocked by how many pagan women cover in some way or another - I'd say at least one out of three, if not more, were covering in one way or another at the summer gathering I went to this summer, and the group of pagan women writing about the topic on a popular forum I visit, exceeded ten pages of replies, all of them along the lines of, "wow, you cover too? I had no idea! I thought I was the only one who did! I feel so powerful when I cover!" etc etc. I think it's really telling that so many pagan women have independently reclaimed head covering as a source of feminine power. (Incidentally, covering when you leave the house and letting your hair down at home also beautifully delineates the home as a safe, sacred spot to come home to after being out in the wider world.)
Found HERE
Now this is a positive take on the whole head covering thing. I have also found forum posts and such berating women for wearing head coverings. That's my thoughts for today on this topic. I'm sure there will be more in the near future. And as I said above, and comments, ideas, etc. would be greatly appreciated!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Healing trauma through violence
I found this today on Feministing today and was fascinated and intrigued. First I'll give my thoughts, then feel free to go read the article.
First off is the warning: This post will involve some pretty intense triggers for those who have experienced rape. Also a note to my family members who may read this, it does involve my sex life, so unless you feel the need to know these things, you might want to NOT read it.
There's a lot of things about domestic violence that they don't tell you. A lot of the information given to young women in school is incredibly inaccurate and misleading. I know this because I was one of those girls who believed it. In school they tell you things like, "If he/she hits you leave them, it's abuse." or a million variations thereof. Or "If he/she calls you a bitch and puts you down all the time, that's verbal/emotional abuse, leave!". What they don't tell you is that not all forms of abuse are so blatantly obvious, I think this is true in MOST cases of violence within a relationship. They don't speak of silent manipulation, the implied threat of violence, or how easy it is for "smart independent women" can so easily fall into that sort of relationship. Again, I know this because I was there, in the thick of emotional, physical, and sexual violence. I've never spoken publicly about this. VERY few of my friends and family members even know it happened(well..I guess they'll know now), I haven't even spoken in depth with my counsellor about it, which I think we will have to cover if I ever want to get a strong hold on my anxiety.
Why did I not speak up you ask? Well, because of the very things that I was taught in school and from society in general. Besides being ashamed that I allowed myself to be controlled like that for so long, I honestly didn't think anyone would believe me, that they would tell me I was blowing things way out of proportion. Maybe because I'm getting older, putting the distance of years between myself and those experiences, that I now do not care whether people believe me or not. I feel that it is important that I step up and speak of these things so that other women in similar situations will be able to see that YES that is abuse, and YES you can leave, and YES your experience was a valid one, regardless of what society may imply.
It's been ten years since that dark 365 days of my life. It wasn't until about a year ago that I could even admit to myself that it WAS violence, that it WAS rape, and just because he didn't beat me bloody doesn't mean that it wasn't abuse. His control over me insinuated itself around me like fog, so silent, so stealthy that by the time I realized what was happening I felt trapped. That I had let things get this far, I had "made my bed" and was expected to "lay in it", as the old saying goes. By the time this year was over I had cut off almost all contact with anyone outside him, the strong sense of self worth and confidence in myself, even my sense of SELF, an individual with my own needs, desires, and dreams had been shattered and lay in a jumbled heap before me. It took a long time, years, and the support and comfort of dear friends and loved ones to get back. And now I still struggle with some of it.
He never hit me. Well, that's not true, he did, once. We were at a local Italian Deli and we were in the very back of the store, and I said something about the smell of the stinky cheese, apparently loud enough that he felt the whole store could hear me, and I suppose that embarrassed him. So he slapped me, not hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough to get his point across, hissing the words, "Watch your mouth". I remember blinking, turning on my heel and walking directly outside. With trembling hands I lit a cigarette(I was a two pack a day smoker at the time), I remember pacing back and forth at the side of the store, anxiety blooming in my chest like some poisonous flower. I told myself that as soon as we got home, and he had fallen asleep, or maybe the next day when he was at work, I would call my parents, and have them come and get me and my things, to just disappear from his life. And then I thought of what he might do if he caught wind of what I was planning, as if he could read my thoughts. The fear that spread then was cold and hard, it took my breath away. By the time I had smoked three cigarettes in a row I had almost convinced myself that it hadn't happened. And by the time we got back to our apartment I had repressed the event entirely, and any traces if memory were quickly followed by the thought that I deserved it, that I should know better.
His control of me, the violence that he inflicted was invisible to most. No bruises, no black eyes, no openly public berating. There was never any blood or broken bones or trips to the hospital. And it was because of those reasons that I didn't leave, I told myself I was overreacting. I'm not sure when the sex went from "normal" to rape. I was willing at the start. All I know is that eventually it was an act expected of me, my pleasure was not important, I was a tool for him to use as he wished. He used sex as a weapon as well. To show me that I was HIS, and he held the reins. It was these acts, the rape, that took longest to admit to myself. Just because he was my boyfriend and just because I never said no, doesn't change what it was. It was a display of Dominance. One day I will write in detail the things he did, to share the burden, to help myself heal. But not today.
Now, how does this involve my current sex life? And how does this article relate? Well, to be blunt, I like it rough. The rougher the better. Not all the time of course, I still thoroughly enjoy what would be called "vanilla" sex, and I love it soft and slow sometimes. The soft and slow scares me a little sometimes. That is also a subject for later discussion. Now my ex did not instill this love or need of BDSM in me, it's always been there, just like my bisexuality. What I found though, after he and I were no longer together, the more edgy things I had liked before were MUCH more edgy. How strong hands on me makes me feel safer in a strange sort of way. A friend and I were discussing recently how and why people develop the particular kinks/fetishes that they do. There are a few I will never understand. Like a clown fetish. *shudders*. Have I ever mentioned I'm terrified of clowns? Or anything involving human waste. I'll never get that either. We found it intriguing though that it seemed very prevalent that the folks who liked it rough, who liked things such as rape fantasies, bondage, suspension, knife play, these sorts of things, were almost always survivors of some sort of violence and abuse. Now our theory for this was that we were taking traumatizing events and sort of reliving them in a sense, and attempting to turn a awful event and attach a positive interpretation to it. To give up your control, reenact them, but to know that if you said STOP that the person actually would, and after it was all over that same person would hold you tight and kiss you and tell you everything was ok.
SO, hence the reason I found this article so fascinating and validating.
HERE is the Feministing link
HERE is the original article over at GOOD
I'm Gonna Need You To Fight Me On This: How Violent Sex Helped Ease My PTSD
By Mac McClelland
* * *
First off is the warning: This post will involve some pretty intense triggers for those who have experienced rape. Also a note to my family members who may read this, it does involve my sex life, so unless you feel the need to know these things, you might want to NOT read it.
There's a lot of things about domestic violence that they don't tell you. A lot of the information given to young women in school is incredibly inaccurate and misleading. I know this because I was one of those girls who believed it. In school they tell you things like, "If he/she hits you leave them, it's abuse." or a million variations thereof. Or "If he/she calls you a bitch and puts you down all the time, that's verbal/emotional abuse, leave!". What they don't tell you is that not all forms of abuse are so blatantly obvious, I think this is true in MOST cases of violence within a relationship. They don't speak of silent manipulation, the implied threat of violence, or how easy it is for "smart independent women" can so easily fall into that sort of relationship. Again, I know this because I was there, in the thick of emotional, physical, and sexual violence. I've never spoken publicly about this. VERY few of my friends and family members even know it happened(well..I guess they'll know now), I haven't even spoken in depth with my counsellor about it, which I think we will have to cover if I ever want to get a strong hold on my anxiety.
Why did I not speak up you ask? Well, because of the very things that I was taught in school and from society in general. Besides being ashamed that I allowed myself to be controlled like that for so long, I honestly didn't think anyone would believe me, that they would tell me I was blowing things way out of proportion. Maybe because I'm getting older, putting the distance of years between myself and those experiences, that I now do not care whether people believe me or not. I feel that it is important that I step up and speak of these things so that other women in similar situations will be able to see that YES that is abuse, and YES you can leave, and YES your experience was a valid one, regardless of what society may imply.
It's been ten years since that dark 365 days of my life. It wasn't until about a year ago that I could even admit to myself that it WAS violence, that it WAS rape, and just because he didn't beat me bloody doesn't mean that it wasn't abuse. His control over me insinuated itself around me like fog, so silent, so stealthy that by the time I realized what was happening I felt trapped. That I had let things get this far, I had "made my bed" and was expected to "lay in it", as the old saying goes. By the time this year was over I had cut off almost all contact with anyone outside him, the strong sense of self worth and confidence in myself, even my sense of SELF, an individual with my own needs, desires, and dreams had been shattered and lay in a jumbled heap before me. It took a long time, years, and the support and comfort of dear friends and loved ones to get back. And now I still struggle with some of it.
He never hit me. Well, that's not true, he did, once. We were at a local Italian Deli and we were in the very back of the store, and I said something about the smell of the stinky cheese, apparently loud enough that he felt the whole store could hear me, and I suppose that embarrassed him. So he slapped me, not hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough to get his point across, hissing the words, "Watch your mouth". I remember blinking, turning on my heel and walking directly outside. With trembling hands I lit a cigarette(I was a two pack a day smoker at the time), I remember pacing back and forth at the side of the store, anxiety blooming in my chest like some poisonous flower. I told myself that as soon as we got home, and he had fallen asleep, or maybe the next day when he was at work, I would call my parents, and have them come and get me and my things, to just disappear from his life. And then I thought of what he might do if he caught wind of what I was planning, as if he could read my thoughts. The fear that spread then was cold and hard, it took my breath away. By the time I had smoked three cigarettes in a row I had almost convinced myself that it hadn't happened. And by the time we got back to our apartment I had repressed the event entirely, and any traces if memory were quickly followed by the thought that I deserved it, that I should know better.
His control of me, the violence that he inflicted was invisible to most. No bruises, no black eyes, no openly public berating. There was never any blood or broken bones or trips to the hospital. And it was because of those reasons that I didn't leave, I told myself I was overreacting. I'm not sure when the sex went from "normal" to rape. I was willing at the start. All I know is that eventually it was an act expected of me, my pleasure was not important, I was a tool for him to use as he wished. He used sex as a weapon as well. To show me that I was HIS, and he held the reins. It was these acts, the rape, that took longest to admit to myself. Just because he was my boyfriend and just because I never said no, doesn't change what it was. It was a display of Dominance. One day I will write in detail the things he did, to share the burden, to help myself heal. But not today.
Now, how does this involve my current sex life? And how does this article relate? Well, to be blunt, I like it rough. The rougher the better. Not all the time of course, I still thoroughly enjoy what would be called "vanilla" sex, and I love it soft and slow sometimes. The soft and slow scares me a little sometimes. That is also a subject for later discussion. Now my ex did not instill this love or need of BDSM in me, it's always been there, just like my bisexuality. What I found though, after he and I were no longer together, the more edgy things I had liked before were MUCH more edgy. How strong hands on me makes me feel safer in a strange sort of way. A friend and I were discussing recently how and why people develop the particular kinks/fetishes that they do. There are a few I will never understand. Like a clown fetish. *shudders*. Have I ever mentioned I'm terrified of clowns? Or anything involving human waste. I'll never get that either. We found it intriguing though that it seemed very prevalent that the folks who liked it rough, who liked things such as rape fantasies, bondage, suspension, knife play, these sorts of things, were almost always survivors of some sort of violence and abuse. Now our theory for this was that we were taking traumatizing events and sort of reliving them in a sense, and attempting to turn a awful event and attach a positive interpretation to it. To give up your control, reenact them, but to know that if you said STOP that the person actually would, and after it was all over that same person would hold you tight and kiss you and tell you everything was ok.
SO, hence the reason I found this article so fascinating and validating.
HERE is the Feministing link
HERE is the original article over at GOOD
I'm Gonna Need You To Fight Me On This: How Violent Sex Helped Ease My PTSD
By Mac McClelland
It was my research editor who told me it was completely nuts to willingly get fucked at gunpoint. That's what she called me when I told her the story. We were drunk and in a karaoke bar, so at the time I came up with only a wounded face and a whiny, "I'm not completely nuuuuts!" Upon further consideration, a more explanative response probably would have been something like: Well. You had to be there.
"There" would be Haiti, where I'd just spent two weeks covering the one-year anniversary of the earthquake that shook the country into ugly chaos. There, a local regular at my hotel restaurant who is not accustomed to taking no for an answer had gotten desperate. After proposing for the 87th time that I have intercourse with him, he was grasping for anything that might change my mind, trying eventually, wildly, "We can do this at gunpoint if that sells it for you." And actually, it did, yeah.
There are a lot of guns in Haiti. Guns on security guards in front of banks and gas stations. Guns on kidnappers who make a living snatching rich people, guns on rich people who are afraid of kidnappers. Guns on the gang-raping monsters who prowl the flimsy encampments of the earthquake homeless. Guns in the hands of the 12,000 United Nations peacekeepers, who sometimes draw them too quickly in civilians' faces and always sling them carelessly across their laps in the back of UN trucks, barrels pointed inadvertently at your face while you drive behind them in traffic. On that reporting trip, I'd been fantasizing about precisely what the local guy proposed, my back against a wall or a mattress with a friendly gun to my throat. But the plan was vetoed about as soon as it was hatched, when I asked him if his firearm had a safety and he said no. Like I say: I am not completely nuts.
Not anymore, anyway. Last September, the first time I went to Haiti, I spent my first day out accompanying a rape victim we'll call Sybille to the hospital. The way her five attackers had maimed her in addition to sexually violating her was unspeakable. The way the surgeon who was going to try to reconstruct the damage yelled at her, telling her she'd got what was coming to her because she was a slut, was unconscionable. And the way Sybille went into a full paroxysm when we were on the way back to the post-quake tarp city she lived in was the worst thing I ever saw in my life. We were sitting in traffic and saw one of her rapists, and she started just SCREEEAMING a few inches away from my face, her eyes wide and rolling in abject terror.
I have coping mechanisms for this sort of thing. As a journalist who covers human rights, I spend a lot of time absorbing other people's trauma. I'd come to Haiti straight from four months on the Gulf Coast, where I'd been reporting on the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. Huffing crude fumes through long hot days was not made easier by the fact that I'd lived in New Orleans during Katrina and to this day don't own a piece of furniture worth more than $75 because of my weird disaster issues.
"It's okay to cry," said Meredith Broome, a brilliant Bay Area therapist who specializes in trauma, during one of our phone sessions that summer. I was having a weepy little fit because a white oil-spill worker threatened to lynch any black oil-spill worker who hit on me.
"Everyone's going to think I'm not tough enough to do my job."
"You don't know what Anderson Cooper does when he goes home at night."
The coping mechanism most applicable to my situation with Sybille was probably one Meredith taught me after I sat in a house full of fisherman's wives whose newly unemployed husbands were suddenly drunk and yelling at them all the time. It's the one where I try to visualize inhaling the distress, then exhaling compassion. Unfortunately, when Sybille turned around in the front passenger seat and started wailing, flailing and slapping her chair, I lost the ability to locate myself in space and time in the backseat. It's called dissociation, and is a common and quite unsettling response to extreme trauma. She eventually curled into a ball and grew quiet, tears still pouring down her face. But I could sense only a disembodied version of myself hovering somewhere behind me and to my left, outside my window. "Who are those people?" I could hear it asking. "What's that awful thing going on inside that car?"
I kept working. I stayed up late into the night at a displacement camp like the one where Sybille was snatched and then raped at gunpoint for two hours. By my second working day in Haiti, I was finding it alarmingly difficult to get out of bed in the morning, already having rape nightmares and, worse, daymares. And that was before one of the upstanding pillars of the Haitian elite, who insisted he was a gentleman because he loses his erection if a woman starts to fight him off, started to stalk me. On the third day, one of my drivers cornered me in an abandoned building, and I had to talk him out of his threats to touch me. On the third night, I got very drunk. That night, and the next nine nights.
I realize now that I was undone. Journalists put themselves in threatening situations all the time, but they rarely talk about the emotional impact. It's not easy to complain about the difficulties of being around trauma when you've chosen to be around trauma for a living, and it certainly isn't cool. When CBS correspondent Lara Logan went public that she was raped in Egypt five months after I returned from Haiti, most people reacted with the appropriate amount of horror. Some, though, blamed the reporter for putting herself in a risky situation, and for being reckless enough to enter one when she's so hot. No wonder it's a rarity for correspondents to discuss their pain, and practically unheard of when it regards sexual harassment or assault. The handbook of the Committee to Protect Journalists didn't even mention it—until 20 days ago, when the organization published an "addendum on sexual aggression."
If the handbook had a section detailing "symptoms of a journalist who really needs counseling and should probably go home," I would have fit the description. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stay sober. When the power went out, I just sweated in the stifling heat because I was too scared to open my windows even though they weren't the kind someone could fit through. When a French UN peacekeeper I'd met went AWOL to knock on my door, wanting to know, when I gladly unlocked it for him, please if he could kiss me, I couldn't feel him. Literally. I watched, confused, as he climbed onto me weightlessly, though he was clearly much bigger than I am. When we met again to say goodbye more than a week later, I grasped for anything concrete: my hands on his muscled, uniformed ass, my pelvis against the gun at his waist. Still, I could feel only something static and empty in the places usually occupied by my limbs. When he walked away—telling me he loved me, god bless 'em—I cried my face off.
I cried on the plane on the way back home to San Francisco, and within 24 hours of landing, I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. I cried while I was checking my email before work. I cried when I got to work and one of my coworkers said, "Hey! How are you doing?" I cried in the shower. I cried through most of a 1.5-hour yoga class. The crying was at least better than the gagging, which was similarly unpredictable and sent me running into bathrooms and heaving over the garbage can underneath my desk. Or spitting over the side of a sidewalk table at a bar with my best friend.
"Why don't I get some real problems?" I asked her. The shocking lack of sympathy I got from some industry people I talked to about my breakdown was only compounding my concerns that I didn’t deserve to be this distraught. "Editors are going to think I'm a liability now. What kind of fucking pussy cries and pukes about getting almost hurt or having to watch bad things happen to other people?"
"Dude," she said. "Marines."
For months, anything could trigger the sobbing or the heaving. But two things guaranteed it: One was any smell reminiscent of the raw sewage at the displacement camp, where I'd thrown up in my mouth and swallowed it. The other was masturbating. Having gotten increasingly concerned about my new habit of wincing when I thought about sex, I became determined to touch myself like a normal, wholesome person. One time, I managed to keep the bad thoughts at bay all the way until the end. But then, even with American sunshine flooding the yellow walls of my apartment, Sybille's screaming face burst into my head and I lay there, soft and failed, choking on instant hard sobs.
"All I want is to have incredibly violent sex," I told Meredith. Since I'd left Port-au-Prince, I could not process the thought of sex without violence. And it was easier to picture violence I controlled than the abominable nonconsensual things that had happened to Sybille.
Meredith was wholly unmoved by this.
"One tried but true impact of trauma is people just really shutting themselves down," she says when I interview her about it later for this piece. "Also, stuff comes up for people like the way it came up for you: Folks can have a counterphobic approach, moving toward fear instead of away from it. And sometimes people have fantasies like that after trauma, putting themselves in dangerous situations, almost to try to confirm with themselves that they were not impacted. 'Look, I did it again. It's fine. I'm fine.'"
It's essential, Meredith says, to address what's going on physically when trying to heal the mental stuff. She taught me to recognize that I hunker down and carry my stress and fear tight in my chest—say, when I'm endangered at work. During the Gulf trip, I'd taken a side excursion to Oklahoma for a story about some convicted ex-felons who once beat somebody to death with their bare hands at a party for fun. When they got drunk and handsy one night and suggested that I'd be pretty fun to pass around for lively intercourse, I fled into the rural darkness. One of them later invited me to "church," a sweat lodge on his tribe's reservation, where several hours of suffocating heat forced me to loosen the tension in my chest just so I could breathe. I returned to New Orleans much less anxious, if more harassed, than when I'd left.
But after I got home from Haiti, it felt like stress and fear were the only things holding me together. Relaxing my body, even just a little, shattered my tenuous emotional stability. Which is how I ended up naked and panting out loud to myself in the steam room of a San Francisco spa where people get $155 facials, "It's okay, it's okay, shhhh, you're okay."
"Being aware and understanding what's going on in your system and then literally working it through your body, like retraining your body how to calm down, is really useful," Meredith says. For many of her trauma patients, it's a long and intense process. And if it goes untreated? "A lot of people don't heal, and it manifests in a lot of different ways throughout their lives. There's a study they did with Vietnam vets who'd had—clearly—a lot of trauma during the war. Twenty years later, they measured their levels of pain before and after they showed them intense footage from Vietnam. Pretty much across the board, after they saw this really intense, violent footage from the war, their levels of pain went down. Because when trauma doesn't get to work itself through your system, your system idles at a heightened state, and so getting more really intense input calms your system down." Which is why, she explains, "A lot of folks who've survived trauma end up being really calm in crisis and freaking out in everyday life."
Under the circumstances, violent sex wasn't a matter of recreation for me. It was a way, one way, to help get better.
"Do you have anyone who can do that for you?" Meredith asked simply.
I've got an ex-girlfriend who'd be happy to slap me around for old times' sake, I told her, but I wasn't having rapemares about women. "Isaac," I said. We hadn't slept together in a while, and although we couldn't get along as a couple, we loved and respected each other, blah blah. So here I was making a date to catch up with him over fancy pizza, and then drinking tequila neat. And there I was asking him if this was a sleepover, right?, and being pretty nervous about what my stupid brain was going to do when he got into my bed.
As soon as we were making out, my violent feelings started welling up. "I'm gonna need you to fight me on this," I said.
* * *
We'd done this sort of thing before. But at dinner I'd told him, voice shaking, about my PTSD. This time, the fight would be rougher and the stakes higher. And so he paused. "Okay," he said. "I love you, okay?" I said, I know, okay. And with that he was on me, forcing my arms to my sides, then pinning them over my head, sliding a hand up under my shirt when I couldn't stop him. The control I'd lost made my torso scream with anxiety; I cried out desperately as I kicked myself free. But it didn't matter how many times I managed to knock him over to the other side of the bed. He's got 60 pounds on me, plus the luxuries of patience and fearlessness. When I got out from under him and started to scramble away, he simply caught me by a leg or an upper arm or my hair and dragged me back. By the time he pinned me by my neck with one forearm so I was forced to use both hands to free up space between his elbow and my windpipe, I'd largely exhausted myself.
And just like that, I'd lost. It's what I was looking for, of course. But my body—my hard-fighting, adrenaline-drenched body—reacted by exploding into terrible panic. The comforting but debilitating blanket of tension that'd for weeks been wrapped around my chest solidified into a brick. Then the weight of his body, and of the inevitability of my defeat, descended on my ribcage. My worn-out muscles went so taut that they ached. I stopped breathing.
I did not enjoy it in the way a person getting screwed normally would. But as it became clear that I could endure it, I started to take deeper breaths. And my mind stayed there, stayed present even when it became painful, even when he suddenly smothered me with a pillow, not to asphyxiate me but so that he didn't break my jaw when he drew his elbow back and slammed his fist into my face. Two, three, four times. My body felt devastated but relieved; I'd lost, but survived. After he climbed off me, he gathered me up in his arms. I broke into a thousand pieces on his chest, sobbing so hard that my ribs felt like they were coming loose.
In a few months, I'd feel ready to go back to Haiti. It would become pretty rare for a movie rape scene to trigger immediate, whiplash-inducing weeping. The flashbacks and the gagging fits would, for the most part, have ceased. A few months after that, I would report from the Democratic Republic of the Congo, where every interview would be about sexual violence or murder, but I would function just fine. I'd see the French peacekeeper again in another country, where his big weight would feel appropriately weighty as I engaged him in absurdly sweet—like, European-earnest—sex.
But at the moment, Isaac pulled my hair away from my wet face, repeating over and over and over something that he probably believed but that I had to relearn. "You are so strong," he said. "You are so strong. You are so strong."
Where Does The Time Go
Goodness me!
I didn't realize it had been that long since I posted in this blog. I will definitely make up for this hiatus. I now have a fancy new phone that I can post from, so it will be MUCH easier for me to update.
So let's see, what has happened since November?
I went back to work in December of last year after a 5 month stress leave. Ignoring the fact you've had a miscarriage is really bad for your brain. I was working in sales for COBS Bread with my beloved husband, which I have now left. I have a new position at a local catering company called Citrus Catering, as the general office lady. Set schedule, weekends and holidays off, and I get to sit in a chair all day.
I've officially been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and the diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis has been revoked. My current rheumatologist is a douche, I am in the process of getting a second opinion. I don't doubt the Fm diagnosis, it's the "no arthritis" diagnosis I think is utter crap. So expect posts on FM in the future. I am keeping a blog of my symptoms at WordPress, I will add it too the list asap.
That being said, I will leave this post, and get on finding something interesting to post for you guys.
I didn't realize it had been that long since I posted in this blog. I will definitely make up for this hiatus. I now have a fancy new phone that I can post from, so it will be MUCH easier for me to update.
So let's see, what has happened since November?
I went back to work in December of last year after a 5 month stress leave. Ignoring the fact you've had a miscarriage is really bad for your brain. I was working in sales for COBS Bread with my beloved husband, which I have now left. I have a new position at a local catering company called Citrus Catering, as the general office lady. Set schedule, weekends and holidays off, and I get to sit in a chair all day.
I've officially been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and the diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis has been revoked. My current rheumatologist is a douche, I am in the process of getting a second opinion. I don't doubt the Fm diagnosis, it's the "no arthritis" diagnosis I think is utter crap. So expect posts on FM in the future. I am keeping a blog of my symptoms at WordPress, I will add it too the list asap.
That being said, I will leave this post, and get on finding something interesting to post for you guys.
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